I get by with a little help from my friends

(sigh) I know I know! It's been FOREVER since I have posted! I have to admit I kind of prefer facebook'ing my updates instead of the occasional long winded post. But my blog is kind of like a journal for me, and I enjoy getting my thoughts out of my head and into your heads every once in awhile! :)

I have to tell you that if you are reading this post then you are probably one of my dearest friends! (yes even YOU! I know we don't talk much, in person or on the phone, but if you are reading this then chances are you are near and dear to my heart!) And I just want you all to know how blessed I feel to have so many amazing people in my life. Heavenly Father takes such good care of me! I am constantly amazed and awed by how great my life is! I am grateful for the knowledge that I have and grateful for the way that knowledge has shaped the last 8 years of my life. It's been a WILD ride for sure!! But I don't know if I would change any of it (ok maybe falling in love with a certain jerkface boy...but only 1 regret in 8 years is not too bad!).

So I am in my 30's now. I am not 30 or 31 anymore. I am 1/2 way to 33! Most of the time when I look in the mirror I see this girl who acts and sort of looks like a 24 year old (I am definitely a late bloomer!) but then I look more closely and I see more gray hairs and little laugh lines (I love my laugh lines though, maybe because I love to laugh:) ) And reality comes crashing back (I am always surprised when I think about how old I am) Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being in my 30's! I feel more comfortable with myself then I EVER did in my 20's. I've finally given myself permission to be GOOD to myself because I have EARNED it!!! I'm finally on the road to having my act together (for the most part, still lots of road left to travel though). I love what I do for a living, especially that I have the summers off! Which gives me time to stop and think and recharge every year which is a HUGE blessing. (sigh) So where am I going with all of this? Well I'll tell you!

I was talking to my sister about my future long range plans, and I was telling her that maybe when I get closer to 40 I'll go to medical school and become a pediatrician. That way I can still work with kids and support myself in the style to which I would like to be accustomed. :) She looked at me and said "Why don't you just get married?!?" She has a very valid point. But here is the thing: When I think about the future and what I am going to be doing, having a husband and kids really doesn't enter into my mind anymore. I didn't realize that until she pointed it out to me. I've been by myself for a LONG time and I have to tell you that I've gotten REALLY good at it. Please don't misunderstand, I believe in marriage and I believe that the family is the cornerstone of Heavenly Father's plan. But the majority of the relationships in my life, all aspects of my life (friends, family co-workers etc) have involved me sacrificing and jumping through rings of fire to make the other person happy and them not really giving a crap if I am happy or not. Yes I am to blame for that too, but it is what it is. My personality just naturally accommodates itself to selfish people. Now since I have joined the church that's all kind of changed in the friendship and co-worker department. But not so much in my love life. And the thought of having that kind of relationship for eternity is heart breaking! I'd rather be alone. Heavenly Father and I have had MANY long discussions on this subject...All I can tell you is that I am really happy with myself and my life right now and I have NO desires to rock the boat so to speak.

(sigh, sigh) sorry this is super long! Just something that's been on my mind and I just needed to get it out of my head! No worries I am not closing the door on marriage or a family. If the right guy came along.....
But I am NOT settling for some goofball just to join the marriage club. And I don't really feel desperate to get married anymore. And let's face it, the number of really great guys my age is not very high. And if you factor in my location and religion it's pretty much zero. And I was surprised to realize that I am OK with that....for now :)
Thanks for listening (or reading or whatever). A few of you have become like family over the years and I can honestly say that I wouldn't have made it this far and be in such a great place if it wasn't for your love and support! :)